We can only look at our lives in certain kaleidoscopes. Every view we get is tinted and changed in some ways by our self.
I found myself a few times today at the lowest of lows in my personal psyche. I have no explanation as to why. I’m decently ready for my torts midterm Saturday. I’m ahead in some of my reading. I may not have a full understanding of certain subjects, but I am doing okay I think.
However, nothing in law school made me feel like I did today. There were ups and downs, but it wasn’t bad for any specific reason. I texted D this evening and said, “My Pillow is the closest thing to a date I have had while living down here. Saddest statement ever. I think she (the pillow) is very loyal thought. I am the only guy she is dating. I’m making inanimate objects personified. What the F— is wrong with me?”
D responded, “…[T]hese are strange times.”
I seriously barely think of myself as a 23 year old person anymore.
I am a blunt rock. These professors are chipping at me like some kind of Native American; making me the sharp end of the stick. I feel every blow. Every blow is a bashing to my psyche and in-turn the bashing of the psyche’s of those around me.
Don’t worry. I’m no Charlie Sheen. However, I will say that when he said, “I’m a total freaking rock star from Mars.” I identified with that well.
Maybe I am homesick. I miss lots of things about home a lot. I am also going to have to tell my grandmother that I am not coming home for thanksgiving. I am probably going to stay and study for finals instead of driving home. The drive would take 22 hours round trip. That would be 22 hours that I wont be able to study. I feel so guilty about this, because my friends and family back home are all expecting me back for thanksgiving. I guess they will have to wait an extra three weeks. This is only going to make me miss it even more.
I have never felt more “alone” in my life. Not that this is altogether horrible, it is just something I notice. This has made me more bold than ever. I hold little back in my relationships with those around me. I say what I think and feel without any regard for how those opinions or thoughts affect others. I think this has helped me with the friends I have. I still care a lot about these people here, but I think they respect me more that I don’t keep things from them and am honest and blunt with them whenever possible.
I want to road trip so bad. I usually get such a reaction to being on the road and heading somewhere that few know me. I feel at ease. I have time to think, relax and rock out to my dashboard as hard as humanly possible.
We will see how these feelings progress throughout the rest of the semester. I can see why people go crazy in law school. I understand the need for “happy pills.” I’m just glad my happy pills are cups of coffee and short jaunts around town to clear my head once in a while.