Let’s first start off with everyone’s favorite yankeejournosouthernlawyer character: #VagabondVern. I thought I heard him walk by last night screaming about a “three dollar pharmaceutical that will get you higher than any inhalant.” I was mistaken. It wasn’t him.
I saw Vern from my kitchen window while I was putting some dishes in the dishwasher. I wiped my hands and walked out to the front porch. I waved and whistled and Vern saw me from the other side of the street. He crossed at the corner and walked towards my stoop. He stood on the sidewalk and faced me as he wiped his brow. It was already hot in even this early morning hour.
“Now [Vern,] I heard somebody screaming about some drugs outside my house last night. That wouldn’t be you would it?” I asked calmly.
“Well hells no, boy. Why that musta been that damned Glen,” he replied.
“Well thats a guy like me. He tall. He black. He old as hell and he be always up down this road here, boy. Why, that piece a shit be always screamin about somethin, boy.”
I believed him. I warned him to stay away from people like that or else he will get his butt arrested. He took this in stride as he stood to attention, or the best attention he could bring himself to, and saluted, “Sir, YES SIR!”
The other night sjblawgs and I were discussing (and disagreeing) on where a woman keeps her “seksi.” She said that a woman keeps most of it in her hair. With sjblawgs heading to the salon to get a new do, I figured it was partly true to a point. She claimed that Megan Fox had the sexiest (or seksi-est) hair. I’m not denying the good looks of Megan Fox, but I denied the idea that it was all hair related, and/or only Megan Fox related. She proposed we ask #VagabondVern.
I saw my chance this morning.
“[Vern] you like the girls, don’t ya?”
“I love ‘em all, boy.”
“Ok. Well, a friend and I were discussing what makes a girl sexy or not. Like if sexy-ness was a thing… where would it be?” I asked.
“That’s a rough question,” he replied. “I guess females be females because their be triflin’ snitches.”
“So, you’re saying that women are sexy because they be triflin’ snitches?” I asked disbelievingly.
“Hell No! They be triflin’ snitches cause they care about shit. Sometimes that shit don’t matter, but dey care. You know what I mean, boy?”
That is as good an answer as any I guess. Vern just likes girls that care. I honestly think anyone who cares about Vern is someone he loves but his answer made me think about what I find great in women myself. I decided to ask him who Megan Fox was. sjblawgs didn’t think he would know.
“Is that that skinny bitch from da movie that was on da side of dat damn Burger King?”
Umm yes? I have no clue if that was her or not… maybe their kids meals were Transformers inspired or something. At this point, I’m just playing along.
“Sure, why not?” I said.
“Bitch could eat more. I aint got no home and I be eatin more than her,” he said.
With that, I thought that we had had enough questions for the day. Vern makes you think a little with almost everything he says. I didn’t ask him about it, but his shoes were missing. He did have a new pair of jeans and what looked to be fresh socks. I think if I see him tomorrow I might ask about them. I hope they didn’t get stolen or worse.
In all fairness to sjblawgs and myself, I don’t think either of us really understood the question of where a woman keeps her sexiness. In full transparency, I said it was a girl’s eyes. To me, a girl’s eyes are what set girls apart. Vern had me thinking about the real reason I liked what I liked. Sure I agree that it is important that women care, (I kinda said that to sjblawgs at some point in our conversation) but I didnt really want to go that deep. Vern not only went there, but he went there first. Interesting.
Just one more encounter with #VagabondVern, my loveable homeless friend.